I had my own coaching session recently. It was about my procrastination regarding completing some essays I need for a professional qualification. Quite frankly I am bored to tears listening to myself talk about this issue and actually didn’t want to “share” again, but I found myself volunteering to be coached, and there was no going back. The first question was “What do you want to talk about today” and I launched into my spiel about where I was with the essays, how I felt about them, etc. I talked without pausing for breath for several minutes. The second question the coach asked was about my body language. What was the hand clutching, mouth hiding (with my hands), folded arms and folded legs all about? I looked at her. What on earth was she talking about? What did she mean about my hands, the covering of my mouth? I honestly had no idea whatsoever that I was doing this. I was astonished. For a moment or two I was speechless. What had I been doing? And why? I was speaking about my problems with the essays. I was saying I wanted to do them, I was going to do them, but for reasons I couldn’t fathom, I was failing to get started. So there was some positivity with the essays. My body language was saying “I don’t want to do these essays. If I cover my mouth, stroke my chin, fold my arms, clench my hands together, pick my fingers, perhaps it’ll all go away.”

This was not the point I was trying to get across, but it was very, very revealing about where I was subconsciously. As the coaching session went on, we explored what it was like to open my arms, palms upwards. I felt some internal resistance and discomfort in doing this. Something inside me, didn’t want to do it. We pressed on though, observing how I was feeling. I admitted the essays are like an albatross around my neck and described “the albatross” not as a bird but as a round stone with a whole in the middle, held round my neck with a chain. All down the left side of my body. Interestingly, the left side of my body is where I have a continually painful and tense shoulder. Could it be that I was carrying my anxiety on this side of my body? I had an “Ah Ha” moment: the pain in my shoulder returned when I’d given myself a deadline to complete the essays.

As we kept talking, I kept my arms open and my palms up facing the ceiling, and the tension in my shoulder started to ease. My body language was, by now, much more open. By the time I returned home, the pain I usually have in the top of my left arm – like a deep bruise – had dissipated. When I touched it, it simply felt as if I was pinching myself rather than touching a bruise. The point of telling you this is this: my body language was revealing my deepest feelings, but I was unconsciously doing it. I had no idea that I was giving of a message of “holding in” or “not letting go”. So much of our body language happens without us being aware of it. It’s generally agreed that when we walk into a room or make a presentation, it’s our body language and what we look like that has the most impact – not what we have to say. How intensely frustrating is that, when we work so hard on the content of what we have to say! So it might be an idea, after reading this blog to have a little think about your body language. What do you notice about it? What is it saying about you?

And is the message you’re giving, through your body language, the one you actually want to give?  

I’ve started running again.  Regularly.  I can say this publicly now as I started before Christmas and I’m still doing it. It’s not a New Year resolution and in fact, I’m up to twice a week.   Not bad for a 52 year old, not-very- fit mum of two.

Why should you care about this?  Well, I only mention it because I’m undoing an old habit (no exercise) and establishing a new one (some exercise).  Very slowly.  And I thought you might be interested in how I’m doing.

I’ve taken small steps and not made too much of a big thing about it.  The point is, I’m working to create this new habit in a way that’s easy for me to maintain.  Which, in time, will lead to success.

What I’ve found previously is that I’ve set myself up to fail by making my goals so big, or the changes so huge that I couldn’t help but not achieve them. Does this sound familiar?

Not this time though.  This time, I set out with a different mind-set.  My thinking was all about needing to release stress and to get healthier. It wasn’t about doing as much as possible in a short a space of time.  Or losing weight by doing loads of exercise.

What’s happened in the past is this:  usually I go a bit mad.  I do exercise like a whirling dervish 10 days out of seven (yes, you read that correctly) and then end up being so exhausted, I do nothing at all. Ever again.  For six months.  How pointless is that?

I am not a gym bunny.  No matter how often I re-join my local gym, I just don’t go.  And what I realised was, as a home worker, I need to be around people. Going to the gym or even a class wasn’t helping me to stop feeling lonely or isolated.

Then I bumped into my friend Mandy.  What a fantastic moment that was.  “Come running with my running group.”  She said enthusiastically.  “Mmmm,” I mumbled, shuffling away trying to think of reasons not to do it.

But then a few weeks before Christmas, I found myself running round some bollards in a boggy field warming up for my first run in ….errrrr…let’s just say it was a while, shall we?

What I loved about the experience was a) it was outdoors, b) I was meeting people and c) I had a running coach.

The running coach Helen was encouraging but also realistic.  She knew I wanted to get fitter, but trying to do a 5km Park Run every week, with no training in between, wasn’t really getting me anywhere.  And she was right.

She actively discouraged me from going back to Park Run for the time being. “Let’s get you running for 30 minutes straight before you go back to that,” she suggested.  What a relief!  I had permission from her to NOT do something, and thus I gave myself permission not to do it either. Happy days.

My experience is similar to that which clients have when they have a personal or executive coaching programme with me. I help you identify the habit(s) you want to change, work out a time frame for changing it/them, then support you to identify how you might sabotage yourself so that you fail to achieve your goal. We work together to work out how you will recognise the self-sabotage, and develop strategies for overcoming the self-sabotage voice. So, in my case, I sabotage myself by doing too much, too soon, too fast.  And then stopping altogether.

This time it’s different.  I’m listening carefully, not only to my coach, but my body.  I’m being kinder to myself and as a result I’m really enjoying myself.  I feel better and already people are saying “You’re looking well.”

Have you had any similar experiences where you’ve set your goal too high and then found, when changing it, making it more manageable, you are able to achieve it more successfully? I’d love to know.  Do drop me an email.  helen@helenfostercoaching.co.uk